Right about now Texas better be worried about messing with me.
Every time somebody mentions Texas, I’m "Superfly TNT"!
Seriously you guys, I’m really pissed at Texas.
Texas took my friends away. And I’m not just talking any friends. I’m talking the best of the best, like that Taekwondo movie with Eric Roberts and James Earl Jones.
I’m talking about the kind of friends you share the experience of transitioning into adulthood with. The kind that you can call without judgement to pick you up at a random Wawa at 3 A.M. if you’re having a rough night. The kind of friends you sing karaoke with EVERY weekend for 2 years. (One of one of my all-time favorite memories is performing a searing duet of AC/DC’s Big Balls with my friend Beth while she was 9 months pregnant with her first child. I still get weepy thinking about it…) You know the kind of friends I’m talking about...
These are the kind of friends who introduce you to your wife and soul mate, with whom you later start a family that means more to you than you thought anything in the world ever could. And your friends have their own family now too, who they love just as much as you love your family. And it’s fun and exciting to experience THAT together, just like was fun and exciting to hang out and party together when you were younger.
Except now instead of seeing each other every weekend, you see each other every few months. You’d like to see each other more, but you all have a lot more responsibility now, so you get together when you can. And it’s not like they live in another state or anything, right?
Then Texas comes into the picture...
...with it’s big skies, it’s big cars, and it’s big, stupid cowboy hats. And it’s big job promotions for your friend Dan…
A promotion so good, that Dan and his wife Beth make the tough decision to move to Texas because of the opportunity it affords them to secure a future for their family. And, even though you’re really happy for them, you’re kinda sad too.
Because you start to do the math...
If Pat & Beth (Did I mention my wife’s name is Beth too?) see their friends who live 25 miles away an average of 5 times a year, how many times a year will they see them if they move 1,500 miles away.
The answer is…
Actually, I have no idea what the answer is. I’m not that good at math. But I’m pretty sure it’s going to be less.
So yeah. I’m pretty pissed off at Texas.
I’ll be honest, I don’t really know anything about Texas except for the fact that The Alamo doesn’t have a basement. I decided that if my friends are going to be living there, I should learn a little bit about it. So, I decided to do a little research. Call it a background check...
And I have to be honest, what I found was quite disturbing....
For instance, did you know it is still a hanging offense in Texas to steal cattle or to put graffiti on someone else’s cow?
Still perfectly legal to eat them though!
Thank your lucky stars!
Speaking of stars…
They say the stars at night are big and bright deep in the heart of Texas. Do you know why?
There’s no pesky ozone layer blocking the view!
Texas is the nation’s largest producer of greenhouse gasses. If it were a country, it would rank as the world’s 7th largest producer.
Texas was an independent nation from 1836 to 1845. When it was annexed in 1845, it retained the right to fly its flag at the same height as the national flag.
Insecure much, Texas?
Dr Pepper was invented in Texas. Dr Pepper was a huge contributor to my childhood obesity, which in turn resulted in me never getting laid in high school.
Thanks for nothing!
There is a museum in Texas celebrating the invention of barbed wire! Can you believe that? Who’s that into barbed wire? I hate barbed wire! I don’t know about you guys, but personally I would like to be able to scale a fence without tearing my trousers.
Fritos Pie is a popular snack food in Texas. It consists of a bag of Fritos mixed with chili, onions and cheese eaten straight from the bag. And although I admit that I don’t have any hard data to support it, this only reinforces my theory that Texas produces more diarrhea than any other state in the union.
The word “Texas” was the Spanish pronunciation “Tejas” of the Hasinai Indian word meaning “friends.” In fact, the Texas state motto is “friendship.”
Today the Hasinai Indians are all but extinct.
Way to break the “Bro Code”, Texas. It’s supposed to be boys before Manifest Destiny...
Pretty scary stuff, eh?
I have to admit, after my research, I’m more distraught about Dan & Beth moving there than ever. But I’m going to try and give Texas the benefit of the doubt. Because although I will miss them dearly, I do sincerely want my friends to be happy and I truly hope that Texas turns out to be a great place for them to raise their family.
Plus, I can’t wait to visit, and make fun of it in person…
Personal feelings asides, I have to admit that Texas has produced a lot of great music over the years. Here's a Spotify playlist featuring some of the amazing musicians who hail from "The Lone Star State". It is interesting to note that although the genres vary from blues, to country, to hip-hop and beyond, there is an undercurrent of menace that seems to run through much of the music to come out of Texas.