If you show up on my doorstep looking for candy on Halloween night, I’m telling you right now that you had better come correct. I have a rigid set of criteria that I use to determine if you’re going to receive a treat, and if so, what kind.
Here’s the deal.
If you’re not wearing a costume, you’re not getting any candy.
And no, your little league uniform doesn’t count.
You could at least put some effort into it, and make yourself an undead little leaguer or something.
Seriously, stop being such a goddamn slacker. If you don’t change your ways now, you’ll probably grow up to be one of those assholes who wears their work uniform to a Halloween party. Ooohhh, you’re a spooky UPS driver? Great costume, bro…
The quality of the candy you receive from me is directly proportionate to the quality of your costume.
I’m not wasting my Kit Kats on some lame ass store bought costume. And if I tell you, “That’s a Whopper of costume!” it’s not a good thing. It means your costume sucks. You’re getting Whoppers.
Bottom line, if you’re wearing a lame costume, I hope you like Dum Dums, Dum Dum.
And don’t be grabby. Halloween candy isn’t cheap and this bowl has to last all night. If you want to gouge the dopes that leave an unattended “honor system” bowl on their porch, have at it. Take all their candy. Break into their obviously unattended homes and rob them of their valuables if you want, it’s the least they deserve for being such nitwits. But at my house you’re going to get one piece of candy and that’s it.
If you come to my house sporting real facial hair, you’re too old to be trick-or-treating and you’re not getting any candy. Note: This rule applies to both boys and girls.
If you’re putting out a cigarette as you walk up to my house, you’re definitely not getting any fucking candy.
If I suspect that you are drunk and/or high, not only will you not get any candy, I will be forced to contact the proper authorities. I may be persuaded to look the other way if you agree to surrender all of the alcohol and/or illegal drugs in your possession, as well as any candy you may have collected, to me for “proper disposal.”
I realize that I may be coming across a bit harshly here, so I want to assure you that the most important thing to me is that you kids to have a safe and happy Halloween. As long as it doesn’t include being stupid, annoying me with you half-ass costumes, or interfering in any way with my enjoyment of the holiday.
My rules are strict but they are fair. And as long as we are all on the same page when you come knocking, maybe, just maybe, we can all have nice Halloween for once. Or, you can keep being a jerk-off your whole life.